Celoteh anak nyasar

Hmmm… uda Hampir 6 bulan gue nyasar ke kota antah brantah ini… well apa lebih tepatnya kusebut desa ya… Ahh desa ga semodern ini kali ya. Setidaknya desa di Indonesia.

Okeh… Aku nyasar di Wellington. Ibukotanya New Zealand. Kalo gue bilang ibukota mungkin kelen bakal mikir kaya Jakarta yang metropolitan itu. Tapi ini bukan… Bahkan ga kayak Medan… (Maafkan gaya bahasa Medanku…)

Lalu kota ini kayak apa?

Disini penduduknya bisa dibilang sedikit banget. Ga cuma di Wellington, tapi juga di kota-kota lainnya. Kecuali Auckland yang emang agak rame karna pusat bisnis. Tapi ya gitu deh… Trus juga karna letaknya, disini rawan gempa, juga sering dilanda angin kencang. Jadi ga banyak bangunan tinggi. Kaya Padang kali ya? Tapi ya isinya banyakan bule.

Nah karna penduduknya dikit, mereka welcome banget ama pendatang. Karna New Zealand ini negaranya indah dan damai, banyak banget penduduk dari seluruh penjuru dunia yang pengen tinggal disini. Penduduknya jadi bervariasi dari belahan bumi mana aja… Ga ada kaum mayoritas ato minoritas. Palingan warna kulit aja yang paling kentara.

Lalu baru-baru ini New Zealand tiba-tiba jadi terkenal karena penembakan di mesjid di Christchurch. Tiba-tiba jadi viral di seluruh dunia karna penembaknya menyiarkan live di facebook seakan-akan lagi main game CS. Loe semua pasti da nonton video nya donk ya? But please… Hapus yah… Jangan di sebar lagi. Trus apa dampaknya kejadian ini ama gue?

Awalnya tau kejadian ini cuma sekilas di share ama temen di group WA kelompok anak-anak Asia Tenggara yang tinggal di NZ. Mayoritas group itu orang Malaysia. Tapi cina semua. Karna cuma baca sekilas gue ga tau kejadiannya se-tragis itu. Then ada temen dari Medan nanyain keadaan gue. Dengan becanda gue jawab ke temen gue, “Aman bos… Gue kan gak Jumat’an.” Serius. Waktu itu gue pikir ga separah ini kasusnya. Sampe semua orang di seluruh dunia heboh. TV, medsos semua isinya kasus ini, barulah gue liat videonya… Itu orang bro… Loe pikir game? Gila loe.

Tiba-tiba gue khawatir sama negara asal gue. Bukan China ye… Gue asli orang Indo, mbok… Gimana ya respon Muslim di Indonesia? Yang sensitif banget ama agama “satu itu” (maap). Plus solidaritasnya super tinggi. Yang di Arab mah kalah… Apa bakal ada lagi bom gereja buat balas dendam? Atau mungkin demo bakar KFC? Eh… KFC mah punya Amrik… Trus punya Aussie apa ya? Berhubung si penembak orang Aussie. Emmm… Orang Indo ga bakal tau bedanya kali ya. Menurut mereka bule yah sama semua… kalo ga gereja, itu KFC. Mumpung ayamnya enak.

Trus 2 hari setelahnya mulai heboh di group WA bekas kolega lama. Mereka mayoritas muslim. Satu kolega ngirim videonya dengan marah ngomong, “Bro… yang ditembak itu temen “kita”, bro… Muslim… Lagi Jumat’an… Kalo di Indo mah uda kita bakar rame-rame itu orang.” Tiba-tiba gue keinget seorang guru pernah ngomong, sebenernya yang selalu bikin masalah itu kata “aku” ato “kita”. Trus gue mikir… kalo yang di tembak bukan temen “kita”, apa ga masalah? Kalo kejadiannya di mall misalnya, yang ditembak bule semua, jumlahnya sama… 49 orang. Kagak masalah gitu? Tapi gue diem aja… Secara gue minoritas. Wkwkwk…

Namun yang bikin gue lega, akhirnya ada yang ngomong, “Tenang, bro… Itu videonya tolong di apus, bro. Jangan sebar lagi. Kan emang yang di mau ama penembaknya itu. Pengen terkenal. Pengen bikin Muslim ketakutan. Loe marah-marah juga ga guna. Mending doa’in mereka dan keluarga mereka.” Trus ada lagi yang nimbrung, “Bener tuh… Hapus videonya. Tunjukin kalo Muslim itu cinta damai. Jangan marah-marah. Kita doain korban disana. Yang nembak biar Allah dan hukum disana yang ngurus.” Bacanya lega banget gue… Semoga lebih banyak lagi temen-temen Muslim yang sebijak itu. Dan tentu… Aku tetep silent reader.

Trus balik lagi disini gimana keadaanya? Well… Aku ga pernah liat solidaritas sekeren ini… Di jalan-jalan di mana aja bisa keliatan tulisan “We love Muslim”, “NZ stands together”, “Fight against terrorism”. Lebih keren lagi, Jumat seminggu setelah kejadian itu, semua cewe-cewe make jilbab… Trus semua orang berjaga-jaga di masjid buat jagain temen Muslim yang lagi Jumatan. Bahkan kantor-kantor ngasih waktu break 2 jam buat karyawannya ikut aksi solidaritas itu. Ini terjadi di seluruh New Zealand, bukan cuma Christchurch.

Kemudian untuk ikut berkabung, mereka rela ngumpul di lapangan sebagai aksi solidaritas (ps. Ga ada nasi bungkusnya). Bahkan keliatan seorang kakek umur 95 taon, bekas tentara NZ di perang dunia ke dua, juga ikut ngumpul di lapangan. Keren?

Lalu respon gue? Hmmm… Bule-bule itu ga pernah tinggal sebagai minoritas di negara yang mayoritas muslim. Ga pernah di ganyang. Ga pernah di tindas. Makanya bisa ampe segitunya. Yes… Pikiran macam gini sempat nongol. Untungnya kepikiran lagi… Emangnya korban penembakan itu pelaku ganyang dan penindas di Indonesia? Haiya… Sori sori… Lagi-lagi si “aku” bekerja. Karna yang di ganyang dan di tindas itu kaum “ku”, maka jadi masalah. So apa bedanya gue sama si kawan satu itu.

Akhir kata, gue bener-bener kagum sama cara kerja pemerintah di NZ. Dan spontan gue langsung nge-fans sama PM nya. Semua pidatonya bener-bener menyentuh dan pola pikirnya sesuatu banget. Gue ga tau dia punya juru tulis yang pinter ato itu emang dari dia sendiri, tapi setiap kata-katanya bikin gue tersentuh. Terutama yang translate nya kira-kira begini…

“Hanya satu yang menjadi pusat perhatian kita untuk tragedi ini. Teman-teman Muslim kita. Para korban dan keluarganya. Mari kita ingat selalu nama teman-teman korban kejadian ini. Kalian boleh menceritakan tentang mereka. Namun si pelaku teror tersebut, hanyalah seorang kriminal, seorang extrimis, dan dia tidak akan punya ruang di mana pun. Bahkan namanya tidak akan di ingat. Jangan beri dia apapun. Walaupun hanya sebuah nama.”

Damn… Ini super. Pas awal kejadian, gue malah search nama orang itu di medsos. Kenapa orang itu pake live di facebook? dia pengen terkenal mbok… Trus kita masuk jebakan batman bareng-bareng bikin namanya terkenal. Untung pemerintah NZ pinter, mereka minta nama itu di hapus dari semua jejaring sosial. Dan minta masyarakat buat hapus videonya dan lupain nama orang itu. Bener… Jangan kasih dia apapun… Apalagi bikin dia terkenal.

Akhir kata, bangga banget rasanya tinggal disini walaupun cuma sebentar. Banyak hal-hal baru yang kupelajari. Dan untuk pemerintah NZ, gue kasi jempol gede atas respon yang begitu cepat dan menyentuh terhadap kasus ini. Semoga kejadian serupa tidak akan terjadi lagi, di NZ, di Indonesia, maupun di belahan bumi manapun. Terhadap suku dan agama apa pun. Hilangkan si “aku” dan “kita”. Maka tak ada lagi perbedaan.

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Kristin_chan

Cuma lagi nyatet pikiran yang nongol gara-gara kebaca spanduk “Let’s stand together”

On every Woman’s day, I remember you

She’s not a mother

Just a sister from different mother

She’s not a teacher

Just a mentor when the soul was lost

 

Not a holy sage

Just a humble being who always swallow

Swallow all the complains

Swallow the negative thoughts

Absorb the bad, so it won’t spread around

 

I once asked, “if you swallow too much, will there be some point when you fed up and explode?”

She calmly answered,

“I won’t, as I do not keep them in me. I just processed then dumped the negative away. I will make sure it won’t spread.” She smiled.

 

Hello, old friend.

Every year during the woman’s day I remember you.

Because you are that one special woman I won’t forget.

Happy birthday.

No matter where you are, I wish you happiness and a peaceful mind.

 

Tin_chan

Happy Woman’s Day

Flickers

For me, year 2017, is marked by the tragic death of my favorite singer, a song writer and a poeter.

He, who wrote the songs with deep and meaningful lyrics.

He, whose song always lifted me up when I was down.

He, who knows how to pour his emotion into such a “beautiful” melody.

A strong man with the soft heart…

He thought so deep. He seemed to understand those feelings and able to transfer it out so well… And yet he ended up his life…

 

Well, life is really full of paradox.

Behind every smiling face, hides thousands of misery.

Behind the loud scream, tears buried.

Who can tell?

 

I remember one colleague told me that I’m a person with a strong survival mentality.

I never really thought about it before, but he may be right.

No matter how hard life goes, even when sickness come to tease, you won’t see me suffer… At least from the outside…

I realize there is one thing that I always wanted to defend.

And this is the thing that keep me alive.

PRIDE.

 

Hate being pity.

Hate to look weak.

Hate to be a burden.

It hurt my PRIDE.

Thus I won’t let my life end too easily.

 

I do know that death is in every corner. But we need to fight the best out of it.

And sadly even if we do stay alive, one day we’ll all disappear from someone else’s life.

Those old friends and relatives.

Persons we once know.

People who happenned to cross path then just walk away.

We just need to create the best memory out of them.

 

And Chester…

I do believe that each light matter, although the sky is full of a million stars…

I do care if someone’s time runs out although we just spend a short moment together.

Because every light matter…

And every life matter…

And I do care…

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Tin_chan

A flicker in a million stars

I killed Ed Sheeran

Well, he did nothing wrong to me.

No, he did. He tortured me everytime I heard that song he sang. So he was guilty. He was responsible for the pain I beared for a long time.

Anyway after 2 years, when I unintentionally heard the song played, I found myself singing that song I used to hate so much, without any feelings at all. The song just sang out from my mouth unintentionally. And when I realized, I stopped.

After thinking for awhile, I smiled to myself. Ed Sheeran is no longer a horror.

He’s neutral, just like everything else. Which I already know from the beginning, but the heart just couldn’t accept.

I know it’s me and my mind. Hating or liking, or even having no feeling at all.

It’s me… It’s always me… But only time can prove it right. And that’s right.

Sorry, Ed.

“And darling I will be loving you ’till we’re 70. And baby my heart could still fall as hard as 23.”

ed sheeran

Kristin_chan

singing “come on be my baby come on”

 

 

Still Remember

Almost 2 years been idling from reflecting. The body is still here. Just not sure where the mind is. No more sitting, no more retreat, no more religion or any mind development activities.  Just back to the old time. No more things to write. Lol… Am I degrading myself?

Anyway, all these turn to be such an enjoyable life so far. That religius Kristin is no more. No more pressure. I can say whatever I want. Do whatever I want. Pay no damn care of those parasites. I’m no saint, dude!

Travel more, treasure more of those companions while they are still around. I know for sure, one day we’ll all be gone.

Reading back this blog, life has been tough, how worse will it be next?

I’ve been up so high before i fell. How hard can i fall next?

Just stay low, stay down, see more and more everyday. This is my new way of growing up.

 

Good, bad, who knows?

18 March 2017

Imaginary Love

Dear love,

I’m sorry…

I’ve been lying all the while…

I said I love you the way you are…

I said I accept you completely…

But I’m wrong…

I don’t think I love you now…

I don’t think I love you the way you are…

I only love how you comforted me…

I only love the warm feeling you gave me…

I only love how you make me happy…

I love what you are in my imaginary…

I love what you are in my expectation…

I get angry when you ignored me…

I get angry when you don’t love me anymore…

I get angry when you failed my expectation…

And I stop loving you at that time…

When my mind is full of hatred…

When my craving for happiness is not full-filled…

And in my delusion, you caused everything…

I’m sorry…

I just realized I never love you…

So who did I love all this while?

It’s my imaginary you…

Kristin_chan

Thinking out loud

Time for real practice

I no longer remember when was my last time doing sitting session. I was too busy with myself, with all my activities, I no longer know why I need to sit. Even until now, in my terribly bad time, I also don’t want to sit. I don’t want to use it as an escape. I don’t know. But I think I’m wrong?

 

Feel like the most unlucky person in this world. Feel like facing the worst moment in my lifetime. Keep holding the feeling inside the chest, feel like wanting to throw out. In my silence, I found it familiar…

 

I went to retreat once a year. I thought I understand but I don’t think I have the real understanding why I have to learn controlling myself, why I have to fight myself. Especially when there’s no problem at all. Silly…

Teacher said meditation is a miniature of our real life. It’s a practice on how to face problems in our daily life. And meditation is not only in the retreat. We have to practice daily. To become the master of our own mind every day.

I thought I understand. But I never follow his advice.

 

Retreat is a very boring session. When you have to sit and meditate 15 hours a day, with minimum 30minutes a session. We may not sleep before we completed the 15 hours. And after we sleep, we have to restart the hour from zero. It’s not easy at all. The feeling when you are so bored dealing with your own mind, fighting the other you inside. How you hold yourself to continue sitting when the other you was screaming to stop. Then you kept holding yourself and it’s stuck in your chest ‘till you want to throw out… Ring the bell? Yes, It’s exactly the same…

 

I remember I talked to teacher about that. He said, it’s because of my own greed. The greed of doing what I liked to do, what I used to do. The greed of not getting controlled. I may just give up sitting and go to sleep. But he said, I won’t be able to give up that easily in the real life. In life there are time when you have to do what you don’t like. When you have to give up your happiness. When you are hurt so bad, but there’s nothing you can do. If you don’t practice now, then when?

 

We always set the timer everytime we meditate. Even we know exactly how long we set the timer, we never know when it will ring. The more you waited, the longer the time will be. But once you started to enjoy, it will be over very soon.

 

Yes it will be over soon.

 

Kristin_chan

Writing more to kill time

April Fool

I thought I’ve been through a lot of falling

I thought I’ve been through a lot of failing

I thought I’ve been broken

I thought I’ve get through any kind of pain

But why I never learn?

Keep falling and falling again

Keep failing and failing

And why the pain is still there? It hurt even much more…

It’s like killing me softly…

 

Can feel my forehead beating fast…

Gas in my stomach felt so hot…

Is this the body reaction?

It’s my mind getting hurt, why the body is also reacting?

 

Trying to swallow and swallow…

But really can’t hold it inside…

I want to burst it out…

I want to vomit…

Wishing to throw out all the pain inside…

But even after I vomit, the pain is still there…

 

I know I will get through this eventually

I know time will heal

But when?

 

1 April 2015

Wish all of this is part of April Fool

Karma

There are times when we think we are so right and others seem so wrong…

There are times when we did something and we think others deserve it…

There are times when we think we did the best for everyone’s good…

But someone was hurt back there…

 

The other time, we think the world is not fair…

When everything is going not right…

When we feel depressed, hurt, because of someone else…

When the world is somehow against you…

When you feel you are the most unlucky man in this world…

What goes around comes around

 

This is how the universe works…

What goes around comes around…

Especially when it happens so fast…

When you just hurt someone and you are hurt the next day, by a different person…

When you laugh and someone’s suffering then you suffered by the next day…

Who knows…?

 

When the universe is doing its work…

There’s nothing you can do to fight…

Just enjoy the flow…

Feel the pain…

Simply wait ‘til it’s over…

As there’s no day without night…

For you will appreciate the day better after the night…

For you will grow wiser under the storm…

 

There’s nothing else you can do…

When the universe did its work…

Hop Hop Hop…

No one ran away…

big-fish-eating-small

 

Kristin_chan

Waiting for the time to rebound…